There's this really shitty feeling I can't shake recently. Every time I do something with Killian, I can't help but think that soon, it'll no longer be just me and him anymore. How our Disney trips will change, afternoon naps together will fade and just how every part of me will be split. Stupid stuff like, "How will Killian ride the Cars ride at Disney because the new one won't be 32 inches and Killian can't ride alone?" Does that mean we both don't get to ride? Or does he ride without me and with my friend instead, while I hang back? Sounds trivial I know, but I feel like so much is slipping away. Things I cherish. On the one hand, I know that having a sibling will add so much to his life, but on the other hand, I can't help but be sad knowing our chapter of "the two of us" will soon end. Makes me sad knowing that I will never have that with the new one either. All the time I had giving Killian my undivided attention for every second of the day, this new one will never get that. I already feel guilty and it hasn't even started yet.

HOW FAR ALONG: 20 weeks. I can not believe I’m half way done with this pregnancy. I’m not even certain it's set in, that another child is on the way. I should probably start thinking of names and getting things ready. Having a toddler has made things go a lot quicker than last time when I was just sat at a desk googling “Is this normal?” and reading the crazies in the online forums telling me everything I’m doing is probably killing my fetus.

WEIGHT GAIN: 10 lbs. I forgot how quickly you get fat when you’re pregnant. Or maybe I just got fatter quicker this time around. Meh. Either or. I’m already in maternity clothes and stealing shirts from my husbands closet because maternity clothes just aren't cute. I'm not trying to dress like a 1st grade teacher, I just need extra elastic. Is that too much to ask? 

Heres my bump...and super unsexy bra. I'm all about that no underwire feel :)

*Waddling has begun. It's gross; And yet an effective means of transportation without leg chaffing. 

*Nipples are super sore. Also, I’ve recently learned that it is now possible for someone to step on my nipple. So yea, that never use to be a thing but lay sideways next to a toddler, and WA LA. Worst pain ever. This is what breastfeeding gave me, ya'll.

*I wouldn’t say I’m constipated, but let's just say things aren’t as seamless as they once were. And at that, I must confess that Hemmy has made an earlier than expected appearance. I don’t mean to take up issue with God and/or evolution, but the whole thing just seems like poor design. What I’m saying is, hemorrhoids shouldn’t be a thing, like not even a possibility. I should be able to push and things just kinda stay in place.

*Allergies are pretty bad. Sucks I can’t take anything for it.

No specific cravings, but still having food aversions. I haven’t been eating much meat and definitely have been favoring cold food like fruits and cereal to anything warm. I’ve eaten way worse this go around but finally started to get a handle on it. Also, I just recently have been able to start taking prenatals. I know it’s a bit late to start but better than nothing I suppose. I never could take them with Killian without puking. 

I want all the sleep. Not only have I been going to bed at like 9:30 every night, but I’ve also been taking Killian’s two hour naps with him. I don't even feel bad about it. I'm so tired. Soaking up the naps while I can.

Everything is normal so far. By 19 weeks last time I could not fit in my wedding ring, and at almost 21 weeks, it fits fine. So that’s cool. I'm approaching the time where I have to start slathering myself with coconut oil so I don't get stretch marks...and then I get oil marks on all of my T shirts. Good times.

With great pride, I can say yes. I’m actually exercising. I finished the 21 Day Fix rather seamlessly, and am now on Day 2 of 21 Day Fit Extreme. I’ve had to modify a couple moves here and there and on the ab day I swap it out for a CIZE it up cardio routine, but beyond that, I’m doing everything. I’m not anti abs, but it’s not advised for pregnant women to lay on their backs for an extended period of time. Also, with this big belly, crunching isn’t exactly a thing…i just look like a turtle that fell over and can’t get up.

There were completely different anxieties when I was pregnant with Killian. For one, I had no clue what I was doing so I was nervous for the unknown. I spent the first 6 months treading water and stressing over my boobs drying up. This time around I'm excited to enjoy how tiny this one will be. Little fingers and little toes. I’m excited for a tiny newborn baby and their delicious smell. Killian never seemed tiny.

Totally vain, but I’d take my body back any day. Also I’d like my smaller, light colored, non-sensitive nipples back. K thanks.

I’m thankful that so far, all tests have shown that everything is normal. Anatomy scan on Friday.