I never thought much about foreskin until I met my husband. It was just…a flap of skin that some guys had…and some didn’t. A turtleneck for your willy...a shawl for your wiener...a burka for your durka [idk thats probably not a penis euphemism, but it sounded funny.]. Well I'd like to introduce you to my husband, "The Champion for Foreskins Everywhere." No seriously, if ever you mention circumcision around him...or hell... if he even overhears a stranger talking about circumcision…he instantly becomes THE public defender for all foreskins in and across the land. Like he took personal offense that someone had to live their life without “the best bit”. Anthony will argue his case as if its a crime against himself. The man loves his foreskin. In fact…one time when we were playing Cards Against Humanity, Anthony drew the card “________” The Musical…and there I was sitting on my secret weapon card “foreskin”...waiting for the perfect moment, which had clearly just arrived. Anthony had been been blocking my cards for several rounds...making sure I didn't get my final point to win the game. With the biggest smile, I laid it down. We mixed them up, but as soon as he flipped it over, he knew it was mine. "Your move", my eyes said. Could he resist Foreskin “The Musical”? No…no he could not…and I won.
So when we found out we were having a boy…that was that. I'm only writing this quick story, because I've seen in the forums how heated this topic can get. From "ITS BODY MUTILATION" to "YOUR SON WILL GET AN INFECTION AND HAVE TO GET HIS PENIS REMOVED". So I'm just clearing the air...we didn't circumcise. And I'm very happy with my decision. I figured...he was born with it…so we’re talking both God AND evolution has deemed it necessary. I’m not gonna presume I know more than either of those. See there was a time…way back when K was in utero…when my app told me that all the pieces of my baby's ear drum, [which had been made in the umbilical cord] were now finished and making their way to his ear canal. It blew my mind. How the hell did it know where to go? Or what to make? Ahhhh I was in awe with the whole process. Something so precise…so well designed.
…and I was to think it was all perfect EXCEPT for this one piece of skin? Nah. So we left it. I hope he thanks me for his foreskin one day. Here's my two foreskin-totting men...
I keep thinking, “You should totally start working out again, Kristen.” But then my brain is like…shhhhhh…just close your eyes. There you go…just like that. shhhhhh….[pic for attention]
28 pregnant vs 28 postpartum
ME AND MY BODY:
Lately l’ve been feeling like I should try to clean myself up... and take some pride in my personal appearance, especially since recently rejoining the human race. Its just hard because my look is 100% a matter of comfort and convenience.
My hair is in a ponytail because I don’t want my son’s vulcan death grip pulling out a chunk. I wear loose tank tops, because it’s easy access to whip a tit out. I wear industrial nude colored bras, because my boobs are massive and underwire is never gonna touch my breasts again for all eternity. I wear pants because I haven’t shaved my legs since 2015. I specifically wear sweatpants because and they’re loose on the ol’ mom pooch. I don’t wear lipstick because I kiss K way too much. I don’t wear foundation because it just comes off on K’s onesies when I play with him and I’m not looking to get more stains out. I don’t wear eye make up because I end up looking like a walk of shame victim from the steam after washing dishes. So here I am…Sweat pants, loose tank, ugly bra, no make up and a pony tail. Eeeeesh. Suggestions? Is it even worth it?
When I present him peas or squash…he’ll eat a a few bites and then act full. BUT once I bust out the apples…suddenly he’s no longer full. This kid.
I got bit again, but it didn’t draw blood this time. I took another photo. Still not allowed to post it.
Just trying to decide if I want to keep nursing K to sleep or not. Also if I should let him CIO at night time the few times he wakes.
Admittedly over the past 3 weeks I’ve gone back to nursing him for naps. It started as comfort when he was teething…and then it was just so easy. I know I gotta stop this. Not the bedtime feeding, but the nap feedings...
Parenting is like this constant battle between doing what's easiest and makes the baby happy...and making hard decisions to not mess them up for life.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK:
I was enjoying some savory Mexican food at El Patron when K started rooting for boob. I pulled out my handy nursing cover, thinking Anthony and I could still save our once a month outing. Here’s what happened. K punched the cover over and over again. People at nearby tables started looking at me. My nursing cover looks a lot like a dress so I can only presume they thought a small alien was trying to puncture through my stomach ...like in Spaceballs. They looked away. Then K started pulling the side so he could look at the people…exposing my breast. I kept covering up, but he kept pulling it back. It was a shit show. Killian vs The Nursing Cover. After going back and forth several times, he then grabbed the bottom which jerked my neck down so much I almost face planted in salsa. Our waitress laughed...and said something about "having a strong, opinionated child". At that exact moment he collected a fist full of nursing cover... and yanked it completely off his head. Boob was out...milk shot in his eye, on the table...we were the in house entertainment for the entire patio. I mean what do you do at that point? You just laugh...and grab a napkin. Clearly K is not into dining in the dark. Won’t be using a cover again. It drew more attention to than if I had just gone au natural.
LOW POINT OF THE WEEK:
The person who does illustrations on instruction manuals for car seats... hates all parents. Honestly…why are there even illustrations? Can't you just use an actual photo of the actual car seat? Why are we overcomplicating this?!?! This asshat who finger painted these 1/2 inch by 1/2 horrible drawings…doesn’t understand clarity or the purpose of an instructional manual. Needlesstosay, I spent way too long trying to figure it out. Killian became unruly, I got fed up…and drove to the fire station. Why? Because google said that’s what your’e supposed to do…and they know how to instal car seats. Well that would be false…at least the Los Angeles Fire Station. They said that the LAPD does car seat installation…and told me exactly where to go. I drove there. Guess what? No parking. I called to see where I should go. The phone rang for 15 minutes. I went home. Valedictorian of my class…Sum Cum Laude graduate with a bachelor’s degree…but this f*&king car seat instruction manual made me its bitch.
I was really excited to do the “is he really that fat” dance with the pediatrician, but instead he came in and said, “No need to re-weigh him. I think we’ve all accepted that Killian is a big boy. I'm not remotely surprised that he's tripled his weight since birth.” lol
Killian's in the 97th percentile across the board…height, weight and head. And I have no idea why…I’m not tall…or fat. And I think my head is normal sized. Same with Anthony. But since birth, most strangers refer to him as “linebacker” “football player” “brute” “beast” and “WOW WHAT A BIG BOY”. All I know is he’s healthy. So I’m gonna keep doing what I’m doing. Killian on the left....Anthony on the right.
*6 month check up stats. 28 inches, 21 lbs 11 oz
*Getting better at crawling, but still hasn’t mastered it. Just quick burst of it…and back to the worm. Sometimes he does freestyle…like he’s swimming on the couch.
*He outgrew the infant car seat…so now it’s he’s in the convertible car seat.
*After a bad teething day, I put him in the baby carrier ....and for the first time ever he didn’t go full zombie at my nipples.
*Oh ya...he started teething again. Lots of drool.
*You never know what your kids are picking up and learning. After playing lots of drums in music class...i was feeding him the other night and he grabbed his spoon and started playing drums on the apple sauce jar.
*We dipped him in the pool this weekend...and now I know summer is going to be A LOT of fun!
THINGS I DID NOT KNOW, BUT YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY KNOW:
*You only get a $1000 tax deduction for having a kid, because that's exactly how little it costs to raise a kid for a year.
*Pampers Baby Dry diapers size 3 and 4 have two marks by the butt...that are a lovely shade of baby poo yellow. I have no idea who makes these kinds of decisions...probably Instruction Manual illustration guy.
*Your child will grab the leg hair of strange men in music class if you aren't paying close enough attention. Photo for reference...
END OF THE WEEK THOUGHTS:
Just wanted to confess that I haven’t worn deodorant in over a year. I stopped wearing it when I found out I was pregnant. Not sure why…just stopped. Like I was worried whatever was in it…would seep into my boobs and mess up my milk. No one has told me I have BO or anything…so I’m assuming I’m good….and deodorant is a giant sham. Or all my friends are just being polite. lmk