First I thought Killian had boob punched me too hard and given me a bruise. Then I thought it might've been a bug bite, causing an allergic reaction. Or maybe I laid on my boob the wrong way while sleeping? Or maybe when K bit my nipple the other week, he’d irritated “the machine”. I had lots of theories that I told myself to downplay whatever was happening….that is until I fainted. See I was home alone, rocking K to sleep when something suddenly felt wrong. The room started spinning, I got really hot and...just knew I was about to pass out. So I picked Killian up as fast as I could, put him in his crib and ran to my bedroom and flung my body on my bed…and fainted. In that moment, God was with me...that or moms have some crazy super human powers because I have no idea how I was able to make it to my bed without something going really wrong.

Anthony came home 30 minutes later and woke me up. [He thought it was weird that I was sleeping so late in the afternoon. Especially since his mom and sister had just flown in from England.] As I woke, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Fever, chills, achy skin. It was terrible. I was like, "Crap...Why now? Why when you have guests in town?" Doing my best to avoid going to the doctor, I enlisted my first line of defense…Google…[keywords: boob pain, fainting, red breast, knot]. I just needed the internet to tell me it was something simple I could power through. There I am nursing Killian with a warm compress draped across my red, swollen underboob as I massaged it with one hand and rubbed essential oils with the other. Chasing tbsps of garlic with gallons of water thinking, “One of these remedies have to work. I don't have time to be sick.” 

It’s weird when you’re a mom. It's like you instantaneously turn into a martyr for who knows what cause. You’re 100% selfless, but to a fault. You worry so much about everyone else’s needs you completely forget your own. Or at least I do. I find it hard to take care of myself at all these days. Killian? He's in a super cool and fashionable new outfit, eating top of the line organic homemade foods and drinking fresh breastmilk. He gets a sponge bath every night, his ass wiped 40 times a day and 24/7 on-call entertainment…in the form of me. There's nothing he goes without. But me? I haven’t bought myself a new outfit since 2014. I cram my dinner down my throat in like 3 minutes. A bath? hahaha No one takes care of me. I’m always feeding the dogs, feeding Killian, cooking dinner for my husband…and I’m always…the last one to eat. It’s just something that happens. Here I was in pain and feeling sick... and even I was inconvenienced by it. 

By no means should I have driven a car, but I needed to go to urgent care...and couldn't bring myself to accept anyone's help. [Again with the martyr-ness] Over the past 7 months, I just got use to doing it all on my own. Powering through, day after day after day, with no sleep and no help...running on fumes. My newfound ability to push forward while sick, in pain, or in any situation is now some badge of honor I wear with pride. Even when someone offers to help...and I should totally take it...I just keep pushing. There's no one there every day to listen to you cry about how tired you are. No one cares. Your baby definitely doesn't care lol So you suck it up...and keep going. So I got in the car and drove to urgent care, praying my breast didn't explode before I got there. As I sat alone in the waiting room in throbbing pain, all I could think about was ,"I hope I'm back home in time to give Killian his bath." I'm not kidding lol Forget I had a 101 fever and felt like death... here I was ...still on the clock worrying about bath time. Being a mom is give, give, giving…and when you think you have nothing left? You give some more. And when you're completely drained? Oh what's that? Why it's something else I found to give. Not sure if it's an addiction or just some weird mom auto pilot I'm locked on, but I probably just need a day off. Cheers to 2034!

Turns out I had a pretty nasty case of mastitis…infection of the breast caused by a clogged duct….which was probably caused by Killian sleeping through the night 4 days in a row. No rest for the wicked eh? 4 days of sleep…and you’re rewarded with a big ole’ infection when your milk backs up. I’ve been on antibiotics for 5 days, but am still very weak. Mastitis sucks…go to the doctor if your boob is red, swollen and painful. #BoobsGoingOnStrike

Nothing will ever prepare you for when your child sneezes while taking a bite of pureed carrots. Nothing. Carrots in my eye, carrots in my hair, carrots on the dogs...carrots everywhere. 

He's now eating lunch AND dinner.

He slept through the night 4 nights in a row. So I was totally ready to write this epic blog about how awesome a parent I must be...until it was followed by 4 nights of him waking up 4..5...6...7 times? 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Pretty sure he's teething again. It's been brutal. Especially since I'm still recovering.

His naps have gotten much longer. More often then not we’re down to 2 naps. 1 1/2-2 hours! Except for today. But lets not talk about today...the day of no sleep.

Getting him down for naps are getting harder and harder. I can only do it by nursing him or rocking him…and by that I mean just nursing him. I tried rocking him to sleep and the little shit sucked my arm and gave me a hickey. Not my sexiest hickey story. :/ I wish I could just put him down and walk away…wonder why he can put himself to sleep in the middle of the night by not during the day. I'll get him good and sleepy but as soon as he hits the crib he cries bloody murder. I'll take any and all suggestions.

Anthony’s mom and sister came to visit from England. First time meeting Killian! Watching Anthony hand Killian to his mom was such a great moment to watch. Probably even more so when he handed him to his sister. I could just imagine Anthony and Jane as young siblings, playing with toys…and now here they were, handing off his first born to his sister. I’m always a sucker for sibling love.  I think my brother would've loved him <3

The fear I felt when I knew I was going to faint. A million things rushed through my mind as I was holding him. I honestly was like omg…what if I don’t wake up? What will happen to Killian? How long before someone finds him? Is he going to be crying in his crib for hours? It was terrible. So ya...now I have a legitimate phobia that something will happen to me and Killian will grow up motherless...and I can't seem to get the thought out of my head. The last 4 days have been pretty shitty. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm over it. #NeedABoozeNight

When people come to town he’s always a bit of a butt head for some reason. Not sure if he’s trying to show off or if he’s overstimulated, but his charming self turns into beast mode. He’s been so freaking violent this week. He’s kicked me, bit me, punched me in the face, pulled my hair, stratched my chest, head butted me, bit my shoulder and pinched me. He's like a torture chamber...in the form of an adorable baby. I’m not even joking. I feel like a battered woman sometimes…like I need to hide my bruises as not to explain to people that it’s my infant who's kicking my ass every day. I thought babies were supposed to be small and petitie and let you rock them in your arms? Nope...not mine. You try to hug him and YOU WILL GET PUNCHED OR BIT!

*I smelled something pretty rotten and when I went to change K's diaper…what was before my eyes? why it was one solid turd. A far cry from the usual splatter he’s had since birth. Just a nugget, perfectly molded to the shape of his ass crack. This is now day 4 of solid poos.
*He’s getting faster at his crawl/worm. 
*Constant biting. Every time I pick him up, he seems to bite my shoulder. Thinking of bringing back 80s shoulder pads
*He's enamored with his Aunt Jane. Maybe it's the dark hair...the accent? He just stares at her longingly lol It's cute.

*The only thing your child wants to play with…is the one thing you don’t want him to play with. Oh what’s that the remote? Your phone? Your laptop…let me grab that out of your hands and do something to it that I shouldn’t. -Babies
*Solid poos are normal.

I have so many photos of Killian and other people…but not many of just me and him. Kinda sucks. Easter came and went and...no one ever takes photos of me and him. Anthony is literately the world’s shittest picture taker so even when he does take some, I don't let them see the light of day. He has this ability, with one snap, to make me look like a 300 lb cross eyed mongoloid. Its infuriating because he gets these amazing photos from me…and then he gives me back things like this...

What I would give to just have one picture like these ones I took of Anthony on Easter...