From the first time I peed on that 99 cent store pregnancy strip after feeling a bit queasy...I've being going through what can only be compared to... the 5 stages of grief. Not grieving over having a kid, that part I'm ecstatic about. The whole tiny human thing is the light at the end of this miserable tunnel that I'm certain will make it all worth it. Also, for the record, I do consider myself incredibly lucky and fortunate to be able to bear children...and totally get that some women simply can't have kids....so not grieving about having kids. But grieving over pregnancy and what it's does to you mentally, physically and spiritually. I tip my hat to all mothers before me and to come...b/c frankly...it's a mind f$%k.
When those first symptoms slapped me in the face like a sassy male latino who's just caught his lover cheating in some a telenovela, I was in denial. I tried to be a super human awesome mom and act like it was fine. I was never gonna ask for help standing up. I was never gonna be "that pregnant lady". I was going to make it look easy. I was gonna work out and make ppl envious of my pregnant abs. I was gonna make pregnancy my bitch. And although I was feeling miserable, I was completely in denial about how real it was....and was about to get. I simply couldn't come to terms with how overwhelmed I was.
When the symptoms persisted and grew worse... I got angry...like real angry... why the hell is this so hard for me? Everyone else seems to be glowing...why does my body hate me to much? Why have I gotten every single symptom known to man...to the 10th power? When is this going to stop? My mom said it was the greatest experience of her life...am I not as strong as I thought I was? Who are these mystical unicorn women that love being pregnant and why can't I be one of them? Am I ungrateful? The anger wore me down and I just began writing. Writing is a fantastic way to vent by the way. Not that my husband didn't lend me an ear, but no matter how I used words to describe how I felt, I started to resent him, b/c I knew he had no idea how bad it really was. I would use words like "nauseous" and "back pain"...but those words didn't do it justice. It's like saying a gunshot wound "hurts"....or losing a brother "sucks"...those words don't even scratch the surface. Writing helped...a little...however, when breathing started to become difficult...then came the bargaining. I prayed and prayed to God multiple times a day. I asked him to relieve my symptoms or give me strength to get through it all. I promised Him all these things if he could just give me one day of relief. I no joke prayed one night...God if you can just let me feel better tomorrow, I will go to church every Sunday for a year...no excuses. lol I started making all kinds of promises. Alas, I got no relief and I'm embarrassed to admit, I slipped into a pretty severe depression.
My poor husband tried everything to be accommodating and cheer me up or even get me to go outside, but I was just over it. When you're depressed, you want to be more depressed. You want to float on a raft in a pool of your own depression and wear depression goggles and depression floaties. I felt trapped in my own body. This whole growing human life thing has been the single hardest thing my body has ever had to endure. Pregnancy beat me into submission and made me it's bitch. I've learned a lot about myself. A person who prides herself on telling everyone "I have a high pain tolerance"...or tells her hair dresser "oh don't worry, I don't have a tender head"...someone who has always thought herself to be incredibly strong...well pregnancy broke me. And as control freak, it was hard, but I simply had to let go. There's waves and troughs. Sometimes life is amazing...and sometimes life sucks, but just like waves and troughs...it always has to get better...and it always has to get worse, but it's never gonna stay one way forever. And I've finally found some sort of peace in...acceptance.
There's not a single thing I could do to make my current state better, go away, or hell...even make me slightly more comfortable, because if it's out there on the internet...some magical solution, believe me I have tried it. I've eaten ginger, worn the sea bands, drank 1000 gallons of water, elevated my feet, done yoga, gone to a chiropractor, got a pregnancy pillow, got a prenatal massage, hell I've even got essential oils flowing throughout my entire house. There's nothing I can do. I will be in pain, I won't feel good, I'm going to be more uncomfortable, and sleep is nothing but a distant memory I'll look back fondly on. This is the new normal for now...and once he comes, there will be more waves and troughs. So for these last 10 weeks...I'll get through them just like the last 30. I'll be ok. This 4th of July I celebrate my independence from being miserable in this pregnancy. Cheers Bitches! Here's a selfie!
HOW FAR ALONG:
30 weeks. That's 75% cooked! I breathe easier knowing that... worst case scenario ...if he came early, his chances of survival are pretty solid.
Look I don't make scales, I only read the digital numbers that piss me off every week. I weighed myself 3 times for good measure and it appears as though I've lost a pound somehow. I'm up 17.5 lbs.
Sadly, he's gone back on my lung. :/ I had really tried to push through this thing without having to use my inhaler, but after a few middle of the night panic attacks...puff puff.
Haven't seen any more horrifying vagina swelling, but then again, I haven't really seen my vagina...sooooo
Unfortunately, although it's nowhere near as bad as the first trimester, my "morning sickness" seems to have made a return. Been pretty queasy for the most part. In fact last night, I woke up to pee...went back to bed and as soon as I laid down...bolted for the toilet and emptied everything that was ever in my stomach since 2001...it was some pretty severe projectile vomit. I'm not sure where it came from or why...although my spidey senses tell me its a side effect of my heartburn hitting a critical level. I have to eat and drink super small portions or it just kinda...comes back up.
No cravings...i prefer fruit or cold food though.
I've fully accepted this sleep deprivation thing. Getting my fat ass out of bed when I wake up to pee is a different story. I still prefer the old classic roll off the bed trick, but ya sleep is something I'll probably only get on my birthday or mothers day.
BELLY BUTTON, STRETCH MARKS AND WEDDING RINGS:
Belly button is out, wedding ring is laughably off and no new stretch marks. However I've read that sometimes you don't think you have stretch marks but after the baby is born...wala...there they are. <-----gonna be my body's final "fuck you" for sure.
Swimming and yoga. I've stopped pretending that I'm gonna "get back on my workout routine". I'll deal with my body ...after I get it back.
To finish the nursery. My mom is in town this weekend and I've got a list of DIY projects for us. I think it'll be a lot of fun to get that all together.
The ability to just stand up and doing something quickly.