ME AND MY BODY:
Here’s a story about how I went to the bathroom and walked away in tears. There I was... peeing like any other day. My son at my feet unravelling the entire roll of toilet paper... and me on the offense, trying to make sure he doesn't eat said toilet paper and end up on TLCs My Strange Addiction. As the pee came to an end, I grabbed a handful of tp from the pile he’d made on the floor. And like everyone else, I wiped and looked. I'm going out on a ledge here and assuming everyone looks at their tp after the fact. So if you don't...whoops. So anyways I looked...and it was red. I stared at that toilet paper in disbelief for what had to be a whole minute.
I was starting my period.
I knew this was coming for the past couple weeks. I had started feeling moody, my face broke out like a teenager, I was craving popcorn and chocolate, I was bloated…and one of Killian’s nipples had turned really red and it felt like there was a hard pea-sized lump or knot under his breast. I called the doc and he said it was normal in breastfed babies and it was just a sudden change in hormones…my hormones. All these things…I knew. But nothing could’ve prepared me for when it actually happened. A rush of emotions immediately came over me. Emotions I didn’t remotely expect. Like…at all. There I was with a Russian mitten of toilet paper in one hand... and I was crying.
Why was a crying? I was crying because it felt like once and for all, this whole journey, had ended.
See a year and a half ago, my body changed. My body started a mission to grow this little life. My breasts changed, my nipples changed, everything about my body…every little detail…changed for one purpose. And although it was overwhelming enduring it…I’d grown accustomed to it. I accepted my growing belly, my dark nipples, my thicker hair, my wider nose. I embraced it as my new normal. Even after giving birth, the changes continued. I was making milk and antibodies... still in the process of growing and nurturing this little life. The old Kristen was a figment of the past.
But when I saw red…I felt like it was my body’s way of saying…"Ok Kristen, your work here is done." I could barely catch my breath. Was I not making enough milk? Why would I get my period? Just as I wasn’t prepared for the changes my body had gone through, I wasn’t prepared to go back. My body suddenly felt unimportant. I felt unimportant. I wasn’t a pregnant mom, a new mom, a first time mom. The novelty was gone. I was just a mom. Like any other mom. A mom with her period. This whole wave that had crashed my entire life... hit land and receded back to where it was before…before my son ever existed. There I was, staring back at my old friend. And it sucked.
I know I’m still breastfeeding, and I still have that, but now more than ever I’m aware that those days are numbered too. I’ll always be mom and give to him in all the ways I possibly can, but getting my period made me feel that he didn’t need my body any more. And that makes me sad. I know I’ve moaned and moaned about every sleepless night, body ache, cracked nipple, charlie horse, crushed lung, etc... but not for a second was I not aware what it was all for. I powered through and stayed strong for him. Call it God or Evolution, but these female bodies…flawless. I’ve never been more aware of my body, what it was for and what it could do. It's been through a lot. Ringed out, slightly stretched, with a mama pooch…but now my body is done. And I cant help but be a little sad.
Guess I'm just onto the next phase. Motherhood...man I can barely keep up
On a very graphic note: Can’t say I was prepared for the flash flooding I’ve endured the past few days. For this has come back with a vengeance. Feels like I'm in the halls of The Shining. On a positive note, not sure if its a fluke or not, but this is the first time I’ve ever gotten my period and not been in debilitating pain from cramps. So either my pain tolerance is higher or maybe things shifted? Either way…PMSing with a baby? Brutal. It's like, "go get mommy some chocolate and stop whining, ok?"
He’s been teething a lot so he’s been eat solids less and doing lots of drive bys. Not sure if he's cluster feeding or if he’s just thirsty, but he definitely helps himself. Switched over mainly to the pouches because they are so much easier than the jars.
Sleeping through the night and napping like clock work, but he started waking up earlier so that blows. Boooo 6:15AM Boooooooo you suck
Well he’s walking. Started as a few steps, then a few more, then pushing off from furniture and just 2 days ago he walked clear across the entire family room. He hasn’t mastered it yet. He 100% looks like a drunk man, but he’s on the move now.
He says DadDad. Not DaDa…it’s Dad Dad. He does call Anthony Dad Dad, but he also says it a lot throughout the day. And if you say, "Say Mama" he look right at you and says "Dad Dad". Pssssh
Grabbing his wiener a lot these days.
I’m fairly certain he’s left handed. He definitely reaches with that hand if you hold anything out.
I was giving him his night time coconut oil massage before bed and he got a baby boner! So that was weird.
I bought a bunch of red solo cups to drink, because I was tired of all the dishes. I drink water constantly and Killian wanted a sip so i gave him one. Now whenever he sees me pull out a red solo he laughs and screams and reaches for it. He absolutely loves water...from red solo cups.
He developed a mild case of eczema on his back and I haven’t been able to figure out what causing it. It was either being in the pool, eating eggs, switching to Huggies, or maybe sweat because it’s been so hot? I eliminated eggs, Huggies and pool time about a week ago and it still hasn’t gone away. So that’s worrying. I keep coconut oiling it, but no change. I mean I guess it's not getting worse, but still. Loves the pool, so I'm hoping the chlorine isn't what's giving him eczema.
I hate Huggies by the way. I switched because he kept leaking through Pampers Baby Dry and thought this would be worth a try. But the horrible rash it gives him isn’t worth it. The Little Movers have a purple velcro strip on the sides that digs into his skin and scratches it all over. I’ve tried fastening the diaper in many different ways, but they just suck. They're very rough.
Had a couple more parking lot car dates while Killian slept.
Went to the beach for the first time. He was scared of the waves coming at him. He still has this phobia of things chasing him or coming towards him.
Went to the park for the first time too. He loved being on the swing and climbing up the slides.
He must’ve caught a cold or something 3 or 4 weeks ago because he got a runny nose. This runny nose has not gone away. Boogers for days. The stickiest boogers in all the land. So gross. I mean how long do these things last?
END OF THE WEEK THOUGHTS:
As I’m typing this it’s 116 degrees outside. SCREW THIS HEAT! That is all.
I’m gonna try and get back to writing weekly again. Sometimes I’m filled with self doubt thinking…ugh I just posted something. If I post too many articles people will stop reading and stop caring. As much as I try and tell myself that this blog is for me and him…you can’t help but want to connect with others too. Being a stay at home mom can be incredibly isolating and lonely. When I put myself out there every week, it’s everything. And sometimes that’s scary. But I also hate that so much has happened in the past few weeks and I already can’t remember it all.