I have a kid... I'm a mom... Man that's so weird to say. You'd think 10 months of pregnancy would be enough time for it all to sink in...but no. lol I feel like every day...every hour I'm just playing catch up, trying to keep my head above water. I mean how did a month pass already? A month? This month feels like its been one day... one very long day...that still hasn't ended. He's growing so fast, he's outgrown all of his newborn clothes, and half of the 0-3 months. What is happening? I'm sat here trying to come to terms with the fact he even exists!! I wish I could take a moment, stop time... and let it all sink it, but any free moment I have, I sleep... eat...or wash the clothes he pooped or spit up on. It's overwhelming. It's amazing, but unbelievably overwhelming. I know it'll get easier, I know I'll find balance...but I hate how quickly these moments are passing me by. Nothing anyone ever said could've prepared me to be a mom. Its just one of those things you have to experience and then go "oh holy shit...this is real...like really real."
I am 6 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight (128), making me 134. My wedding ring still doesn't fit. :(
ME AND MY BODY:
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with what my boobs have become. I'll say it...I use to love my boobs. They were so perky and overtly average. They had no job...no appointments...no agenda besides sitting there looking awesome nuzzled in a lacy decorative bra. I had quarter-sized beautiful, pink areolas and teeny tiny nipples. Now? 4 times darker and larger, they wake up, strap on an industrial, flesh-colored nursing bra... and go to work all day, every day. They fluctuate between rock solid melons and deflated flapjacks; there's no in between. My boobs hail one leader and lets just say his only qualification in life is shitting himself. They leak like Niagra Falls when I don't want them to, and ignore me when I do. They are either sore from being full, raw from being sucked, leaking through the shirt I just put on... or in his mouth. I guess I was hoping I'd have a little bit more control over the faucets. I sleep on a towel now. The struggle is real. This is the boob picture I sent my husband on his birthday this week.
I can walk upright! The feeling of a broken pelvis has subsided! I don't feel like all my organs will fall out when I stand! <-------achievements. #blessed. The stitch site is still sore, but gets a little better every day. It's all about slow calculated movements...slow and calculated.
I can honestly say I had NO idea Hemmy would be hanging around so long. He's gotten smaller, but overstaying his welcome for sure...oh my god...i just... HE EVENTUALLY GOES AWAY RIGHT??? I'm not sure why but it just dawned on me typing this that...maybe he's here to stay?
You will learn to do unspeakable things one-handed. You will become ambidextrous. You will also become... whatever it's called when you do things with your feet. In the past week I've grabbed the remote with my toes, peeled a banana with just my left hand and opened a water bottle with my thighs. You do what you have to do...and quickly realize that the key to breastfeeding effortlessly... is preparation. I now have breastfeeding stations strategically set up around the house. It's like that movie Signs...water bottles everywhere. Nothing worse than being boob-cuffed to your son's lips, realizing you're thirstier than anyone on planet Earth has ever been. You have to think about all the things you could possibly ever need and put it on the side with the free hand...and within reach. I still find myself latched, only to realize my phone or remote control is on the other side...the side where I have no free hand b/c its squeezing my boob in the C position. do I let go and reach for it? do I sit here in silence for the next hour? decisions, decisions...
Below a sample picture of one of my "stations". (Yes I stole that water jug from the hospital.)
Thoughts I've had this week while breastfeeding with the remote trapped on the other side:
1. I think laying him on his side is permanently warping the shape of his ear.
2. I mean...that's a lot of acne for such a small baby.
3. That feels warm...i think he just peed on me...yea he definitely just peed on me.
4. Wow his hair is getting long.
5. I mean how does one's eyelids even peel?
6. Oh crap...I just dropped some pumpkin bread crumbs on his head. I should probably stop eating meals over him while I nurse.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK:
Toss up between listening to my son's 9 second fart while he kicked one leg like a old man... and when Anthony gave me an impromptu 20 minute boob massage.
LOW POINT OF THE WEEK:
Saturday...when my mom went back home... and I cried...and cried...and cried. Felt like the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. I'm worried that the alone time is when the depression sets in.
THINGS I DID NOT KNOW, BUT YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY KNOW:
Baby poop stains. If it leaks ANYWHERE...rinse it immediately or just give up and throw it in the trash.
You will mourn clothes they grow out of. Killian grew out of this fleece polar bear sleeper and I am legit upset over it... knowing I'll never see him in it again. :( I wasn't prepared for him to grow this fast. I may or may not of cried. I definitely cried.
You will eat faster than you thought humanly possible. The more appropriate word might be inhale. You eat fast or you may not eat at all.
(Pro Tip: Buy a bunch of nut or granola bars and just keep one in your pocket at all times. When you're starving and turning into the hulk...you'll thank me.)
I have the best baby in the universe. No seriously... he rarely cries. The only thing that seems to upset him is when he pees himself or if you use a cold wipey on his balls, which...fair enough. (Pro Tip: Buy a wipey warmer). Besides that, he's quite content with life. He stops whatever he's doing if you play music next to his ear. If you lay him down while he's awake, he'll just look around the room and do his own thing. He's pretty easy going. Feels like God did me a solid with this baby.
It's fascinating watching his development every week. This week he locked eyes with me for like 6 seconds! He also started a "chuckle with a sigh" every time I put him in the nursing position...like he's saying "oh awesome...yes!...just what I was looking for!" He loves it when I give him leg massages and is obsessed with looking at lights. Full disclosure...he also loves to shit himself and then immediately fall asleep. Not sure if it's the warmth? But after a poo explosion, it's like...Killian Zzzzzz's everywhere lol In fact, he's probably just shit himself in the photos above...and below.
Now I dont know what goes on during Anthony's midnight feeding sessions, but I do know that I wake up every morning to a family room that looks like a bomb went off. You'd think one baby, one bottle, right? Nope. I have actually sent the following text messages to Anthony this week:
Why is there a poop explosion on a burp cloth laying on the ottoman?
Where did my pumped milk go that I left in the fridge? Did you use it for coffee?
Why does his bath towel have a shit stain on it and why is his bath towel even in the family room?
Anthony also has this thing where he sings pop songs to Killian, but changes the words. He doesn't think I hear him...but I do. My favorite so far is either (to the tune "All About That Bass") "cuz you're all about that boob, bout that boob...screw daddy" ...or Taylor Swift's "Shake it off"..."cuz you're just gonna poo, poo, poo, poo, poo and suck on mommy's boob, boob, boob, boob, boob...you're Kill-i-an, Kill-i-an" Hopefully you can hear the tune in your head lol
Dog hair everywhere. Here I was, finding dog hair on my son's face, up his nose and even inside his diaper. I drew the line when I had to pick it off my nipple, matted in lanolin. I made the decision that no dogs are allowed in my bedroom (my primary residency at the moment) except for bedtime, when they sleep in their crib. Yes I should probably mention that my 3 dogs sleep in a baby's crib next to our bed and have for a couple of years...except for when they actually just end up sleeping in our bed. #DogsAreFamily
Honestly I feel terrible about this...and am having a really hard time coping. I felt bad enough that I was giving all my attention to Killian the past few weeks, but at least they were sleeping next to me and cuddling in between feedings. Now they are cast to a different part of the house and every time I walk to the bathroom, I see Willow in the hallway giving me sad eyes. Ahhhh the guilt. Not sure what else to do. I still love them more than anything...but I just can't with the dog hair. Hopefully I can find a balance in the future, b/c I miss my dogs like crazy and feel like shit that I'm doing this. Doesn't seem fair to them. Ugh :/
END OF WEEK THOUGHTS:
People told me a lot of things that would happen when I had a kid. They said I wouldn't have time to shower, that I'd pee when I sneezed or laughed, I'd be too tired and stressed to ever think about sex again, I'd give away my dogs and stop caring about them. They said a lot of things that scared me, that have ended up...not being true. I shower, I haven't peed myself once, and...for the first time in years I actually find the sexual energy towards my husband stronger than ever. I'm drawn to Anthony like I was when we first met...I welcome his hugs, his touches, his kisses. Those little things created our family and it means something to me now. I look forward to having sex with him (in the far distant future when that shit's healed), where before it had honestly gotten to the point of feeling like a chore for both of us. Having a child with someone...i dont know...it lit a spark. He's my partner for life, my child's father. And my dogs? I love them just the same...and miss them...and feel bad for them...and hope the time comes soon where they can forgive me and I can make up for lost time and give them extra kisses and scratches. I guess just like pregnancy and labor...everyone's experiences are different. The only universal truth is...every mother is tired.
THINGS I'M TRYING/MAKING:
1. When your baby cries every time you wipe his balls with a cold wipey...you do things you didn't think you would. Things like... buy the Munchkin Warm Glow Wiper Warmer. Judge away, judge away.
2. When your baby cries in the middle of the night...and on your way to him, you leave a trail of milk squirting all over your floor...OR when your nipples hurt so bad, the thought of anything touching them sends shivers down your spine? You then buy these...Philips Advent Breast Shell - It's a magical silicone forcefield that protects your nip from touching anything and also collects your leaky breastmilk. During a feed, I can haul close to 1 oz...can't waste that liquid gold. oh no no no no
3. When you're turning into Quasimodo from hunching over pumping, you need Pumpin Pal Angled Pumping Flanges - I'm not entirely certain why every flange isn't angled.