The mood was set...
It was 9PM. Killian had been changed, nursed, burped and rocked to sleep. I had just lubed up the ole' nipples pretty good. For the next 3 hours...they were gonna breath and hang free. I brushed my teeth, put in my retainers and laid my head on the pillow. Felt like heaven. It was bed time. The only "me" time I have any more...just me and the back of my eyelids... hashtag best friends for life. Little did I know what was waiting for me on the other side of the bed ...my husband. I felt him scoot closer...and closer again. He starts stroking my back... and my arms... and whispers "I read your blog"...I murmur "uh huh"...then he says..."I read the part about looking forward to having sex with me again"... I murmur "uh huh"...he says "also when you said you liked the boob massage" ...I murmur "uh huh". I was too tired to actually respond...but that's when he starts massaging my boob. Only this time was different. My writing had given his hands confidence. What before was a light, gentle touch...was now a full on deep tissue boob massage. Don't get me wrong, it felt good. Actually, it felt awesome... until that is... I felt a spider run down my boob...only it wasn't a spider...no. But i knew that feeling all too well...its the same feeling you get in the summer when its hot as hell and a bead of sweat drops down the back of your knee and scares the shit out of you...only I wasn't hot and you don't sweat out of your nipples. It wasn't a spider...it was milk..I was being milked. My husband was milking me. This was happening... and I wasn't sure if he knew it or not. So there I was...like Robert Frost...two roads diverged. Do I stay silent, let him keep milking me and wash the sheets tomorrow? Or do I tell him?
"Ummm I think you're milking me" ....
..."Ya I thought so" (silence)
Needlesstosay, the massage ended and I haven't gotten one since. But now I have firsthand experience on what it feels like to be a blue ribbon cow at the fair. Wasn't too shabby. #ShouldNotHaveSaidAnythingAndDidTheLaundryInTheMorning :)
His face is amazing!
I am 134 lbs...22 lbs down and only 6 to go from my pre pregnancy weight. More importantly...my wedding ring fits again! It's really bothered me the past year ...walking around with my big old belly and no ring. Felt like I was some sad teen mom with a bastard child. Well....NOT TODAY! Today? Today victory was mine!
ME AND MY BODY:
My body (sans private part area) has snapped back to normal rather quickly. Can't say I was prepared for that. I figured...I'm 30...oh shit...31...forgot I turned 31 this year. Anyways, I figured I'm old, my body is gonna take forever to bounce back, if it ever does...I'll have stretch marks, saggy belly skin, the whole enchilada. My body as I knew it...would be gone forever. As you all know, besides the occasional yoga and floating around my pool doing my best impression of a raft...I didn't exercise. I couldn't.
Now don't get me wrong, things have shifted for sure... I've lost all of my muscle tone...and well, just my all muscles in general. Whatever the opposite of toned is? <-----yea, that's what I am. Like I'm made of flubber. (All I know about flubber is it was green jiggly goo in that weird Robin Williams movie and I feel like that's an accurate description of whats going on). Still, I'm proud of myself...for what I ate during pregnancy ...and how much water I drank and am drinking...and despite how incredibly demanding, painful and draining breastfeeding is...that I'm still going.
Sleep is key. The more he sleeps, the more I sleep and the more normal and balanced I become. When he's fussy and doesn't sleep....and in return I don't sleep? That's when postpartum depression rears it's ugly head. You get irritable...and quiet...and turn into the worst possible version of yourself. You know the person you are at 4am when your alarm went off b/c you have to catch the earlybird flight across the country? That's a glimmer of the person you become. Always sleep when they sleep. There's a reason EVERYONE says it.
Stitch site is still sore, pelvis feels bruised...but every day is better and better. I am starting to feel normal again. I credit my placenta pills, lots of water and moral support from old high school friends on Facebook :)
Lets all take a moment and just...reflect on how super weird breastfeeding is. I mean I know it's natural and my body was built for it and blah blah blah, but I mean...Seriously? My boobs hear my son crying and start leaking FOOD! My boobs make food. They didnt use to make food. But now they just...do. They take whatever concoction of food I've eaten that day...and turn it into milk...the exact same boobie milk, day in and day out. That is weird. And my boobs make the same milk as other boobs in France do...and Africa...and China. China boobs...take Chinese food...and make the same milk as my Kristen boobs do. Blows my mind. And apparently my boobs can smell and hear him...b/c when I smell him...they tingle and leak...and when he cries...they tingle and leak. I heard a crying baby at Trader Joes and I quickly folded my arms to cover my nipples. You only make that mistake once.
His feedings are becoming more efficient. He use to fall asleep while nursing, but now he just goes for it and gets the job done...well besides nighttime when my nipple turns into his personal binky.
The more of a schedule he gets on...the more of a schedule my boobs get on, which is just fantastic b/c it means I'm no longer an active volcano waiting to erupt all over my clothes...the floor...the couch...the dogs...anything really.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK:
It was 3am. I was quasi-watching The Late Show with Stephen Colbert while getting my breastfeed on, when all of a sudden he starts choking. I quickly pick him up to burp him... and then he kinda flings himself over to the left in the "cradling position"...so I just start looking at him in that creepy way all mothers do...only this time he locks eyes with me and smiles. He stared at me for what must've been 2-3 minutes? It was one of the greatest feelings I have ever had in my whole life. Felt like we had a moment...but then again it could've just been a fart.
LOW POINT OF THE WEEK:
Sunday night he was super fussy and all he seemed to want to do is nurse...and then get mad at my boob. He actually started punching my boob like you do a vending machine when your Snickers bar is stuck. It made me feel like a failure as a mother. I felt guilty...like either I had eaten something wrong or faucet was tapped out. It was such a horrible feeling. I cried...
THINGS I DID NOT KNOW, BUT YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY KNOW:
Let your child sleep in his nursery as soon as you can. Around 4 weeks, I was healed enough that I could walk from my bed to nursery...so I insisted we put him in there. The quality of sleep is so much better. You don't hear every single little noise. When you sleep, you actually sleep. Or co-sleep...what do I know? lol
Babies basically have the hiccups all the time.
Baby fingernails are the sharpest wolverine razor claws in and across the universe...and are virtually impossible to trim.
Lanolin (nipple cream) is sheep's sweat. Weird.
This week I started to see a semi-schedule, which is awesome. Life gets easier when you can anticipate things.
-He loves the sound of rain and thunder.
-His tear ducts started working. Now when he cries, tears come out...and it breaks my heart.
-He has wavy hair...and is starting to get male pattern baldness.
-Loves when I read him books and play him music. He really seems to like the exact songs I use to play when he was in the womb. He will stop whatever he's doing if I play Ellie Goulding...his girlfriend.
-He has started holding and massaging my boob while he nurses. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that.
My husband is awesome. He goes to work every day and comes home and works more, producing music...and still manages to read my face and see when I'm exhausted. He's offered to take over more feedings, make me dinner, breakfast, wash the dishes and has said a lot of "it's ok I'll get him's". He's a great father...and husband. He sings to him and makes up funny stories during playtime. I know he's overwhelmed and there's a lot of pressure on him right now, but he's stepped up more than I ever thought he would. It's nice to have a teammate. And if it all doesn't work out, he's got a great future as a dairy farmer.
Shelby is obsessed. She follows him around like he's a piece of bacon. Wherever he is...she has to be. If she's trapped on the other side of the house when I'm nursing him...she will cry the entire time.
END OF WEEK THOUGHTS:
Breastfeeding is no joke. It's not for the weak or weary. And its a total mind fuck. You're always worried. Am I producing too little? Why is he feeding so frequently; is he starving? Am I producing too much? Will I get engorgement and mastitis? Why is he so fussy, did I eat something wrong? My boob feels deflated...oh god what if I have no milk for the next feeding? The whole thing makes me anxious and I have to keep telling myself to calm down...you're fine Kristen...this is normal. But then comes 3am I still find myself googling "how to increase your supply". Can't help it...I've always been someone who's over prepared. I can trust my body to pump blood, breathe and you know?...run my body...but make milk? It keeps me awake at night. Its mentally exhausting, physically exhausting and...did I say exhausting? Yet we do it... b/c we love them...and b/c the Scottish in me will do anything to save a $.
THINGS I'M TRYING/MAKING:
1. Bamboobies Boobease Natural Nipple Balm - My friend Bonnie turned me onto this. Way less sticky than the lanolin, which makes it easier to put on. Also, it natural and smells like chocolate. #ChocolateMilk